I don't know where to start. It's been so long since I gathered my thoughts.
I've never been busier, work-wise, except for clerkship and internship of med school maybe.
I basically had much less time for myself and I missed so much in the year that I started residency.
Mutch says it's better after this first year. I hope to God she's right.
I've always had the feeling that when I'm somewhere, my real life was just out there waiting.
In college and med school, even with my very nice blockmates or classmates, I always felt that I was just waiting to get out of class so I could spend the rest of my time with my best friends.
It's still sort of like that now, but instead I dream of running, playing disc, and going on trips.
I guess this proves two of my theories:
1) You can't have everything, and
2) My career trajectory is inversely proportional to my bank account.
I've been trying to sum up this whole year, but all the best-of lists on the internet keep pointing out that it's the end of a decade.
A decade?! Holy crap, that;s a whole lot of years.
So what do I have to show for? Let's see...
Graduated college, found lifelong friends (i.e. Zett, Pinky), lost a boyfriend, got attached to the hip to best friends.
Started med school, got over the ex, found a new boyfriend, promptly lost a best friend (the two being horrendously inter-related), and then lost the boyfriend, appreciated my med school friends more (i.e. Bem, Krigi, and Jayce) for being there, found a roommate and through her, my next boyfriend.
Graduated med school, and realized in internship that I knew zilch about actually
practicing medicine, then went on to revolve my life around three words: duty, from-duty, and pre-duty. Wash, rinse, repeat for a year.
Broke up with the boyfriend, passed my medical boards, tried to figure out if I still wanted my ex-boyfriend, but he beat me to the punch by promptly disappearing, so I then decided I didn't want to see that group of people anymore, including my roommate, so I disappeared from my old haunts and tried to get a grip from losing people
all the damn time.
Cried every morning at work, gave up smiling for a while, found that getting it out of my system and saying "enough" had the power to stop me from being so goddamn miserable all the fucking time.
I discovered dancing and running were healthy ways to lose yourself. Finding out that the best sound in the world is hearing everything click into place. I fell a little bit in love with my life. Finally believed it when I said I was happy, knew it in my mind and heart.
The former drama queen abdicates her throne.
I am self-aware enough to know that some of the above events are partially my fault. All in all though, I don't think I got too bad a deal. What I don't have in money, I make up for in life experience. And friends. I have been loved; I have mattered. And in a lot of ways, that is enough for me.
Work for me has always been a means to an end. Work = salary = ways for me to do what I want. The thing is, work has never consumed me. The driving goal for me has always been to live a comfortable, healthy life filled with meaning, surrounded by people I love and who love me in return. I don't know if that seems shallow to some of you, but I cannot imagine a more fruitful life than making a difference in someone's world.
So do I wish for anything else in the coming decade? Only to be a better version of me. Harder, better, faster, stronger. And away I go :)
*****
And of course, the requisite soundtrack :D
1. Goodnight LA - Counting Crows"And it's a dangerous time
for a heart on a wire
Shuttle from station to station
noisily not knowing why
So I put my head on the ground
and the sky is a wheel
Spinning these days into things that I've lost
But you can keep all the years
But I don't mind the days
gone rolling away
Cause all this sunlight feels warm on my face today" ( Read more... )( Video )2. All These Things That I've Done - The Killers"Another head aches, another heart breaks
I am so much older than I can take...
I've got soul, but I'm not a soldier...
Over and in, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done"
( Video )3. Audience of One - Rise Against"Identities assume us
As nine and five add up
Synchronizing watches
To the seconds that we lost
I looked up and saw you
I know that you saw me
We froze but for a moment
In empathy
I brought down the sky for you but all you did was shrug
You gave my emptiness a name"( Video )(here's the original video, embedding was disabled --> http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGw8mWrzp
5Y)
4. Mistakes We Knew We Were Making - Straylight Run"And all our sins,
Come back to haunt us in the end,
To hang around and tap us on the shoulder,
And smile silent,
It's all implied,
You'll die trying to live this down,
You might as well forget it,
Still I'm convinced,
Wondering what if is the worst thing there is,
So we bottled and shelved all our regrets,
Let them ferment and came back to our senses,
Drove back home and slept a few days,
Woke up and laughed at how stupid we used to be"(The audio version I have is much better than this live one)
( Video )5. Wheels - Foo Fighters"Know your head is spinnin'
Broken hearts will mend
This is our beginning
Comin to an end
Well, you wanted something better man
You wished for something new
Well, you wanted something beautiful
Wished for something true
Been lookin for a reason man
Something to lose
When the wheels come down
When the wheels touch ground
And you feel like it's all over
There's another round for you"
( Video )6. Blue and Yellow - The Used"And you never would have thought in the end,
How amazing it feels just to live again,
It's a feeling that you cannot miss,
It burns a hole, through everyone that feels it.
Well you're never gonna find it,
If you're looking for it, won't come your way"
( Video )Happy holidays, and a good year ahead!
******
And I'm out of your range
Now it's kind of strange
How we change orbit in our livesOrbiting - The Weepies
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small}
chipper
relaxed
sleepy
amused
amused
cold
